I sat on the phone with my friend crying tears with her. Hurting in our mutual pain, but rejoicing that because of my journey my friend did not have to hurt alone.
I would never trade the opportunity to walk with my younger sisters through their relationships with their now-husbands. But I can’t ignore the fact that my aches as I - a 25 almost 26 year old young woman - watch my dance students get married.
I can’t help but wonder if...
...my standards are too high.
...a special someone even exists.
...I should have put myself “out there” more.
See, with those tears came truths. Truths that had comforted me and comforted her. So, if you’re in need of a friend to cry tears with or (to know you’re not the only one that cringes at the sight of roses in February) here’s what I shared that day:
1. YOU ARE ALONE
Alone in the sense that in the way you want to be deeply loved and deeply known by a good guy and you’re not. I often find this is where shame creeps in: I have good friends. I shouldn’t feel lonely.
Sweet friend, it’s not that you’re completely alone. It’s that you don’t have someone to do life with day in and day out and that’s lonely. When I’m able to state all the facts without beating myself up (or shaming myself) I’m able to handle my emotions better and enjoy being with my friends more.
SAY THIS: I have good friends to hang out with.
I feel lonely because I don’t have that special someone to do life with. I choose to enjoy hanging out with my friends and even initiate events and activities!
It’s okay to feel alone. Just don’t let feeling alone make you live life alone, okay?!
2. YOU ARE HURTING AND YOU ARE HAPPY
Sometimes I feel wrong for enjoying my life because ‘why should I be having fun when I’m missing what I want most?’. That being said, sometimes I feel wrong for hurting because I have an incredible life (in case you’re wondering, while I am single I live on the beach, write for a living, and have the best crossfit family).
But this is what I have learned. Feelings. Emotions. They are the experience of our thoughts. We can think, ‘I wish I had someone to do life with’ and ‘my life is basically too good to be true’ at the same time. If we’re thinking those thoughts at the same time we can feel them at the same time.
Give yourself permission to feel. Let your feelings lead you to your thoughts.
That being said, hurting doesn’t undo happiness. And, happiness doesn’t undo hurt. You can feel both.
Now you need to choose where you’re gonna let your thoughts and actions hang out.
Psalm 37:3 says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pastures."
Dwell is the word I want you to savor for a few minutes. Do you know what it means to dwell?!
To set up camp.
To unpack your bags.
To say, ‘This is the place I choose to be.’
When we choose to dwell, even in the places we rather were different than they are, we are saying ‘Jesus, ________ is what I desire, but because you have brought me to this place I will set up camp here. I trust that you have not brought me here to torture me, but to teach me, therefore I will seek what good I can do and glean from the place.’
So, as you are rejecting shame and allowing yourself to feel, intentionally choose your thoughts.
SAY THIS: I want a special person to do life with, but this is the place God has brought me. I refuse to let what I don’t have keep me from what I do have. I choose to engage with the friends I have, I embrace every opportunity to enjoy my life, and help others enjoy theirs, too.
3. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FAKE IT
This is one I struggled with a lot. How am I real with my feelings of wanting someone to do life with and real with my feelings of being thrilled about my sisters’ engagement? Really, they both met and married the most incredible guys and I’m so thankful they’re my brother-in-laws, besides it’s what my sisters and I dreamed about for each other since we could talk!
Being a big sister who adores her younger sisters there was no part of me that wanted to steal joy from their big moment because I was lamenting my situation. Remember, how I said ‘you’re allowed to be happy and hurting at the same time.’ It applies here, too.
I can celebrate with my sisters with every fiber of my being and still wish God would bring me a husband.
After all, the Bible says rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Don’t rain on your friends’ (or sisters) parade. You’re never going to regret going all out for their celebration.
Be happy with your friends. Be real with God.
SAY THIS: I am happy for my friend. I will not let my desires steal from my friends celebration.
This isn’t something I told my friend that night on the phone, but it is something I would like to add: Find someone or a group of girls who aren’t dating and getting married and talking about guys every time you turn around.
Last February I started hanging out with girls my age and older that were single and loving their lives. They were still hoping for a special someone, but they weren’t letting that keep them from the life they had. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I only knew girls who were getting married at 20 and 21. I wasn’t an old maid, I just felt that way, because of the people I spent time with.
Here’s to finding a group of girls who will cry on the phone with you and remind you that:
It’s okay to feel alone.
You’re allowed to be happy and hurting at the same time.
Feel your feelings, but intentionally choose where your thoughts will dwell.
Celebrating with your friends doesn’t undo your desire.
That being said, feel free to reach out and connect with me on facebook or instagram (@sisiroose). Encouraging others and writing empowering words are my two favorite things to do (also, drinking coffee and having heart-to-heart conversations). If you’re feeling lonely, consider this as your invitation to get un-lonely!
If you ever meet Sisi you’ll walk away knowing that you’re amazing and your dreams are worth fighting for! Before long you’ll learn she’s the eldest daughter of twelve kids, passionate about spending time with Jesus on the beach, and always ready for an adventure that includes the outdoors and a good cup of coffee. Professionally, Sisi is a best selling author and copywriter who uses words to bring life to businesses and dreams. Take a peak at her heart on her blog where she writes about spiritual self help from her personal journey through depression, building a business, reversing an autoimmune disease, and daring to live her best life! Or say HI on Facebook or Instagram (insta story is her jam)!